To All the Women Who Made Me Gay
An homage to the fierce female characters of the early aughts
Happy Pride Weekend to all my beloveds! While I decompress from a month of visitors, moonlighting in corporate America in my new job, and just existing in a world where billionaires died in a submersive trying to see a sunken ship, I have to lay looooooooooooooow this Pride weekend. I’m not mad since NYC is steamy as all hell, so snuggling up on the couch catching up on RPDR: All Stars 8 and reflecting on what Pride means to me is how I will be celebrating.
Pride started for me with overcoming a fear in first grade to wear my beloved deep red GAP sweatshirt with navy blue lettering, as any first grader with a brain knew that GAP stood for “Gay And Proud” — as if we truly understood the meaning of being gay at six years old. It continued with me questioning the Catholic religion in the fourth grade while walking home from the bus with my babysitter. I can still hear my voice asking, “If God hated gay people, why would he make them ‘in his likeness’?” Honey — she was serving woke realness in the late ‘90s even before Hilary Duff ended homophobia with her iconic anti-gay PSA !
I coulda-shoulda-woulda seen the signs of being a gay woman earlier in my life. Especially when I reflect on the media I consumed as a kid, I tended to gravitate toward those queer-coded icons of the early 2000’s. These powerful, tough, fierce characters showed me a world where it was cool to not conform to society’s expectations of women. Or maybe I was just in love with them. Who’s to say, really? Anyway — take a stroll down memory lane with me to honor the hotties who made any gay heart pitter patter!
Eliza Dushku as Missy Pantone in Bring It On
Okay, come on. Missy was easily the gay awakening for most millennial lesbians! I have to kick off my list with the tomboyish, snarky, snatched, butch gymnast-turned-cheerleader bestie of Kirsten Dunst in Bring It On. From the moment she walks on screen with her alternative look, Sharpie’d on tattoos (“I got bored during fourth period”), and her totally accurate, not stunt-doubled gymnastics, I was INVESTED in this film. Even at 8 years old, I couldn’t be bothered with cheerleading power dynamics until they brought this rebel onscreen. I loved the way she could not be bothered by the girlie drama, knew how to kiki with the gays, and who could forget her dancing in her doorway in her cheerleading uniform?! Straight girlies were fangirling over her brother, Cliff, but the gaydies, we were living for Missy Pantone.
The Spice Girls as a whole
I grew UP with The Spice Girls. My cousins and I would always play Spice Girls and choreograph numbers to perform for our moms, and it never mattered who played which Spice Girl, although somehow Virginia always got to play Baby Spice…I digress. ANYWAY, any girl and gay who grew up in the 90’s has a soft spot for the Spice Girls. I have lines from Spice World locked and loaded to quote at a moment’s notice.
These women embraced feminism and femininity in all of its facets. I loved how despite being worlds different, all these girls could taunt and read each other while still being friends — who could forget the '“little Gucci dress” !? They were gorgeous, resilient, created certified bops, and were unapologetically female. God, they were amazing. Also — those Scary/Ginger relationship claims?! I need every scandalous detail. It’s hard to say whether I had an undiscovered crush on The Spice Girls, or if I wanted to be a Spice Girl. Not really sure if there is much a difference, really…
Beyoncé as Foxxy Cleopatra in Austin Powers in Goldmember
SHAZAM! You under arrest, sugah In what is, arguably, the greatest installment in the Austin Powers franchise, there was no character that stood out more to me than Foxxy Cleopatra. She sang! She was a secret agent! She looked amazing in so many costume changes! To this day, Goldmember is one of my comfort films — which is lowkey concerning — and Yonce is so believable in this horrific camp classic, that I forget that I’m watching the literal Queen of the universe in a movie that would go straight-to-streaming in today’s day and age. We went on to see that Bey could act, but what I particularly love about this film, yes film, is that we get to see how funny she is! Bey can hang with the big dogs!! She is FUNNY. Her comedic timing is great, and I would argue that her being in something so unpolished and showing that she can let loose makes her an even better artist in my eyes. Also, the fact that she could look Mike Myers in the eyes and convince me they were romantically linked alone deserves more accolades than she’s received for the depth of her work. I don’t think I was in loooove with Foxxy, per sé, but my God! Another strong female character breaking the societal molds while still SERVING harder than anyone asked for, but regardless, blessing us — HAWT.
Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Swann in Pirates of the Caribbean
I have not yet researched the costume and wig design/hair and makeup team on this film — but if I had to guess, it would be a brilliant gay man or a horny nerd lesbian. *update — i think there’s an 80% chance that my guesses are spot on, but i don’t want to do more research*
Elizabeth Swann was a BADDIE. She was strong, she was brave, she could rock eighteen layers of clothing and three wigs and still look snatched. I would rewatch this movie over and over and over and OVER again as a kid. From the first moments of her being stuffed into a corset (I can hear her uttering every word with a sharp gasp, “well women in London must have learned not to breathe”) to her wild, unbridled rum guzzling after being marooned with Jack Sparrow on an abandoned island, Keira is serving lewks and making CHOICES. Despite being the object of almost every male gaze in this film, Elizabeth doesn’t falter to the highest bidder. She stays strong and independent, and Will Turner is basically a lesbian since he’s so soft, so one could argue that she is queer-coded.
Michelle Rodriguez as Letty Ortiz in the Fast & Furious franchise
Okay, so I have a confession — I never saw a single Fast & Furious film until this past weekend, but as a voracious tabloid reader, I always saw all the stills of Michelle Rodriguez in her tomboy fits both on and off set. I was always intrigued by her tough bad-girl persona, and if you’ve ever met my girlfriend, the Letty-Ashlynn pipeline is short and sweet. She’s Latina, she’s a badass, and she can fix a car. I don’t need to go into too much depth on this one because this choice feels so obvious.
Sandra Bullock as Gracie Hart in Miss Congeniality
This is another secret agent/hottie fantasy trap that I fell into before I turned 10 years old. That nottie-turned-hottie storyline gagged me every time, bitch! From the moment Sandy B struts out in that lavender microdress, it is ON. She taught self-defense, she had a biting wit, she still ate pizza and drank beer! HOT. She kicked some guy’s ass in sexy dirndl — us mere peasants could NEVER! Ugh, this one is always worth a revisit. So many beautiful pageant queens, incredible one-liners, and Michael Caine.
And finally, the women of the ‘00s Charlie’s Angels franchise
I could write an entire dissertation on my sexual awakening that came with the Charlie’s Angels franchise starring Cameron, Drew, and Lucy Liu — but in the essence of time, I will try to briefly summarize the queer-coding of both Charlie’s Angels and Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, which I would argue is one of the few sequels that is superior to its source material. Who could forget Lucy Liu unfolding herself out of a box like a pretzel in a full leather catsuit? Or when Sam Rockwell, the first installment’s villain, drew the perfect Sharpie pout on Drew Barrymore’s duct-taped mouth? Or when Cameron Diaz charmed everyone with her California girl smile and synchronized dance moves in both films?
I mean, were the fight scenes soooo beyond the scope of realism? Absolutely. Was it inevitable that Drew Barrymore’s Dylan Sanders would fall in love with the villain? For sure. But this franchise empowered little girls like me to feel like they could fight bad guys and be insanely gorgeous whilst doing so. My favorite childhood memory is of when my cousins and I role-played as the Angels, with their younger brother being double-cast as Bosley or the villain depending on the scene. I mean — these women used their feminine wiles to overthrow the most diabolical villains. I will eternally relive the Angels’ number with the Pussycat Dolls in Full Throttle in order to snag a warehouse employee’s keys. I can’t forget both Cameron Diaz and Demi Moore in their white and black bikinis surfing — foreshadowing the battle against Charlie’s fallen angel. It was unmatched!! Bad angels? Good angels? Leather mini-skirts and high-heeled boots? Profound cinema.
I don’t know if it was love, lust, or just sheer admiration for these characters — but I felt so comforted and seen by these women. They were always in charge and would be the belles of the ball if they stopped by the Cubbyhole for a drink. Here’s to the characters that helped us on our journey of self-discovery! Happy Pride Month!!! Proud to be GAY AF honey ~~
Who did I miss? Pls pls pls let me know who you were crushin’ on as a lil’ gaybie?! Leave a comment xox
It’s giving buzzfeed!! Soo good 👏🏼